Formula 1™ Fans Association
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First of all, my apologies to the guy in charge of uploading my articles: I promised this about a week ago, at the time of writing. However, with the amount of articles posted since the season opener, I decided the site needed a rest. Or at least, that's my excuse.
Now. The Shack has had a lot of disruption, not least among which is the temporary loss of the only laptop capable of letting us watch F1, GP2 and GP3. Stewards are investigating. In the meantime, we have a shiny new machine, which looks good, promises much, and then does nothing. We're painting it red.
Red Bull have started this year as they finished the last... no, wait, that's my 2011 notes.
Red Bull have started this year with surprisingly poor form. Apparently bulls can only cope for so long with an engine stuck up their backside. From the churlish expression on Vettel's face and the disheartened tone of his voice, it seems the bulls are finally turning on their riders.
McLaren, now mooseless, are running the elegant nose of the car we've christened the McSwan. Obviously not built for durability as much as speed, the bird - er, sorry, CAR - isn't serving Hamilton well enough as yet. Meanwhile Button has taken to his swan with little hassle, his teammate's problems passing over Button like water off a duck's... er... swan's back.
Ferrari... Well, I think parent company FIAT have had a lot of input this year. Ferrari make fast, pretty things. The scarlet cars are slow and hideous. Might want to have a word with your design department, boys. Having said that, there's a lovely backrest on that nose...
We haven't thought of any jokes for Mercedes because we haven't figured them out yet. We'll leave the image of Schumacher in the Australian gravel trap to speak for that one. I found it funny, anyway...
Lotus have already lost their sponsorship from Lotus. What this means we don't yet know. Kimi Raikkonen has proven that he is, unlike Schumacher, the Comeback King, having clawed his way into the points from two poor qualifying sessions. Obviously his rallying - or rather, car-rolling - days have made him scared of going fast in a time trial.
Force India have proven to be anything but a force to be reckoned with. Financial difficulties, a car not up there where they wanted it to be... are we sure this isn't a Ferrari-powered car?
Sauber, meanwhile, have proven exactly what a Ferrari satellite team should do: make Alonso look like he was winning under pressure in a sub-standard car. Jerez 1997 and Sauber holding up Villeneuve springs to mind. But of course, that's far too cynical a thought process for F1.
Toro Rosso are another Italian, Ferrari-powered team falling down the order. The bulls perhaps weren't as well chosen this year, or perhaps are better at throwing their riders off. Either way, a painful ride for Helmut Marko's rookies.
"Williams are back!" So yelled the wall at Turn 8 in Australia.
Caterham, probably laughing to themselves at the sight of Group Lotus leaving the sport, have cunningly disguised their car as a crocodile. What they forgot, however, is that crocodiles aren't actually that fast. Repaint it black and gold, boys, make a cheetah, and... oh, wait, that would be the Lotus livery...
Hispania have caused absolute chaos. Somehow running in the top ten, Karthikeyan was ignored by Button until too late. Somehow being nearly last a while later, Vettel also made contact with the HRT. That's certainly one way of flouting the weight limits, but there must be better ways to do it, surely?
Marussia. Erm... have they actually shown up this year? I can't remember seeing them. Wait... slow and red, right? Oh, that makes sense. I wondered why there were 4 Ferraris on the track. I thought di Montezemolo had won his long-running battle for 3-car teams.
Onwards to China now, our monkeys have cleaned their typewriters, repaired the roof, planted more banana trees and got a couple of tails stuck in the photocopier, all in readiness for a race that I don't have the heart to tell them isn't going to be one of ours...